Hey my beautiful friend,
Last week at 10:34pm, in a Bank of America parking lot, I was flipping a coin inside of my car to see if I should withdraw $1,000 from my bank account to then gamble at the nearby casino.
I was driving up from San Diego. I just treated out my mother for her birthday, and like a habit after hanging out with her for a period of time, there’s this need to release my bumbling catharsis by losing money on a game of chance.
Habit
Depression.
Familial trauma.
This is how I deal.
But then I saw it stuck inside my wallet, a message.
This message, which is on a red lamented card, that I taped inside of my wallet, reads “stop and think // you can live a life without gambling // stop using gambling as an excuse NOT to go after what you want”.
This is when I decided to text her.
In November of 2023, I told the girl who I have strong feelings for, the girl who we’ve been emotionally on-off for the last 2-3 years, the girl who I’ve stated is:
“smart as fuck”
“gets my brain moving”
“writes addictively poetically”
“has a laugh that gets my heart pumping”
“holds strong family values that fits like a puzzle piece to my life”
“whose journey on her own life inspires me to become a better man”
I told her in November 2023, after meeting her friends, that I need to distance myself from her. Basically saying, “I know you’re not ready for something more, but I want to see if there could be something more… but I can’t force this. So I need to stop being and talking with you for quite awhile, who knows for how long”.
She accepted and even her response of “I’m sorry for my selfish reasons that I didn’t want to let you go and not be with you. I did mean it when I said that ‘you’re the only person who truly gets me’. But, you’re right. I’m just not ready for a relationship.”
It was a long message, full of paragraphs.
This got to me.
But, I stayed strong.
Until.
Last week.
Thinking About Her Yet Again
There were many signs from the universe that forced me to think of her. We’re talking catching up and working with a creative friend of mine, who knows her very well, who then mentioned her name.
We’re talking about someone saying her nickname.
We’re talking blah blah blah. Simply, signs.
And I would rather gamble than take the chance and reach out to see if she wants to catch up? What type of, for a lack of a better word, what type of a fucker am I?
I still look young.
I still have a head of hair.
I still look decently in shape.
I can gamble my money when I’m old.
But, you only live once.
So I reached out…
“thought of you because of a few reasons // and I hope we can catch up either via a coffee or even drawing on pieces of paper with crayons”.
And right when I turn on my car and slowly start driving to the casino. I see the “dot. dot. dot.” Yes, the “dot. dot. dot”
She responds in less than 10 minutes.
“Jonathan! Funny enough I was just thinking about you too. It’s crazy how us humans are so utterly well-connected. I’m headed to sleep, but I will respond in detail tomorrow. It’s so good to hear from you :D”
God.
The universe.
Something out there…
Looking out for me.
Fuck the casino. I drove home.
60 Days
Why is the subject of this email, “In 60 Days We'll Fall in Love Again”?
It’s because in my text message, I wrote “but can we catch up in 60 days? I think it’s a well-rounded number hahaha. Also, it’ll give us time to not rush into anything. Because nothing ever seems forced between us, it’ll allow us to be silly again.”
Exactly.
I think stating an exact timeframe to catch up with anything, alleviates the pressure of just jumping into old habits. It allows you to get your shit together. It allows you to calm your senses. It allows you to think. It allows you to take a breathe.
In sales, if the person has their credit card out, you stop talking and just say “thank you” while you scan their card.
You would think that after her quick response, I should say, “let’s meet up now”.
But, this year I made a resolution to myself that I wouldn’t rush into anything too quickly anymore. So here we are. 60 days.
60 days to organize my life.
60 days to workout.
60 days to focus on myself.
And at the end of 60 days -
- if we’re still there, if there is still something there, it’s time.
It’s time to see “what might happen now”.
Thanks for listening.
Outside of a Philz Coffee Shop - Los Angeles
10:16am